I wrote this for Nick Pell at Key 64.  I’m very glad he asked me to write it, because it did me a lot of good to get my thoughts organized, and the response to this piece has been huge.  I’m backing it up here because I like my formatting more, plus I fixed a number of typos.

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As I get older, it becomes a comfort instead of an insult: I have never had an original thought in my life.  Everything I’ve ever thought up is at least a couple centuries old.  So when I was reading a newpaper article about the Iraq War (first one) on LSD and had this really crazy concept pop into my head...yeah.  Turns out I am not the first to consider giving everyone on Earth some good acid clarity.

It turns out there’s a lot of interesting growth under this particular rock—so let’s start poking and digging at the history of what DARPA refers to as “Incapacitating Weapons”, or the military applications of tripping your balls off.  We will visit the CIA, Iraq, a great horror movie, and all the usual hippie suspects from Leary to Hoffman.  Perhaps you’ll even be inspired to manufacture your own LSD and get to work as a free agent in the Illumination Industry.

Not that Brainsturbator would ever advocate something so irresponsible and illegal.

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Although Daniel Quinn hasn’t amounted to much since his breakthrough book Ishmael, still: hot damn, that was one hell of a book. The realization that I lived in a culture that locked up it’s food in order to force us to work was a brutal shock.  Come to think of it, it still is a brutal shock, because that’s one of those “hidden in plain sight” secrets that’s easy to forget for months at a time.

One of the best illustrations of how absurd and horrific our Great Nation really is would have to be the saga of Food Not Bombs, an activist franchise that’s dedicated to the radically dangerous act of feeding homeless people.  Yep.  They set up public kitchens and give away meals—generally vegan and organic, to boot—to anyone and everyone who wants some food.

The story of how America has responded to these allegedly peaceful and well-intentioned terrorists will make your heart swell with patriotic pride.  Or, it might make you puke.

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This is a DIY guide to rigging an election.  We’ve had four consecutive national elections stolen in this country, and any talk about “reform” at this point is just being willfully stupid.  The system is corrupted and broken beyond repair.  However, I’m not worried about it.  See, I’ve got an idea.  To me, it’s most obvious solution: if stealing elections is easy enough for those chumps to do it, then let’s do it better than them.

As I researched this article, I’ve had a growing excitement for the past couple days: this is completely possible. The security exploits are simple, and the only real hurdle is the logistics of scale: how to get a national (or even just statewide) bloodless coup staged quickly and effectively.  It’s too late for 2006, but we should start planning a truly outstanding prank/revolutionary act for the next presidential election.  If all this sounds insane, read on anyway.

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